Blegh.
I'm uninspired, discouraged and in a funk. You know what kind--the one that makes you want to chuck it all in and start all over. No, no, no, I'm not chucking in my life...just my hobbies. Mainly just the writing and photography. I'm discouraged with both to the point of just letting them go so that I don't have to work at either of them anymore. I've no direction in either hobby and therefore no goal, hence nothing to write about or take pictures of. It's the same old question I've been asking myself for the last few years: "Where exactly do I fit in here? Should I even be pursuing these hobbies? Why am I even pursuing these hobbies?"
I used to be good at one of those (all those years ago) but, I let it go for far too long, I think. Raising kids and cooking meals and cleaning house got in the way and the pencils and textured paper got put away somewhere. I lost my groove, my mojo. I thought I'd found it again back in '07 when I was kicking some serious ass writing news stories for a radio station...but then life changed dramatically and I had to put all that stuff away again.
I haven't been able to start up again and I've never been able to quite get into the photography thing. I've loved photography since I was 16 but I'm just not that good at it. I'm stuck between snapshots and uninspired photos and I just can't seem to drag my carcass up to the next level though I keep trying. But why do I keep trying?
I remember when I was young and full of piss and vinegar and if someone told me I wasn't good enough I kept trying to just to prove them I was. Where did that person go? When did I lose that piss and vinegar? When did I become such a chicken shit? When did I get so scared of failing? I never used to care but now it's as if I'm so afraid of failing that I end up not moving at all. Is that what getting old does to you? You get so conscientious of your every move that you end up never moving again?
*insertdeepbreathhere*
Oh, I know eventually I'll kick myself out of this funk and get moving again. I'll develop a new goal for the old hobbies and pick up the pencil or the camera once again and try to find a new perspective. But for now, let me wallow in my self-pity. I need to get it out of the way before I can start anew.
6 flung things at me...your turn:
Have you loved photography since 16 because you wanted to be good? Or do you love learning to be good?
Everyone thinks they are no good at what they love. There is no point where you say to yourself "Self, that's as great as it can be. I think I'll stop trying to improve."
It can always be better...that's what we tell ourselves and that's what moves us forward. If you want my advice, go find a challenge. Master the challenge.
First of all, since I've been following your blog for quite a while now, I believe I have the right to disagree. I don't know about your writing or art skills, since I haven't read or seen examples. The only writing I see is on your blog and I always find your posts interesting and well written. But, I do know about your photography skills, and you DO know how to take a picture. You have talent! I feel fairly certain you have dropped down into the winter doldrums. Wallow away, but come spring, I think your perspective will change. I used to draw and paint, but then life got in the way. I replaced art with writing and found I loved it. Sometimes I think I'm not half bad, but then I get a rejection letter and find myself in the deep, dark gloom of self pity. Then I get an acceptance letter and I'm on cloud 9. The ups and downs can drive you crazy. I like taking pictures and have for as long as I can remember, but only about 1 in 1500 turns out good. I guess that's the way the life of a right-brained person goes. Hang in there Ms. Right.
I have proof hanging in my bedroom and my living room that you have talent! Please don't doubt yourself...take a break if you wish but don't doubt yourself.
Clif: yep, you're very right. I took myself aside and asked me why I do this--because I really like it or because I want accolades from others? Of course I want to be recognized as a good photographer (who doesn't?) but I don't do this--and never should--for that reason alone. I do it because I have this constant need to express myself in one way or another. It's almost like breathing at times. Thanks for asking the tough questions.
Roan: thank you for your kind words of encouragement. :) I didn't realize you were a writer as well. You're right, too, in that part of my discouragement has something to do with the winter doldrums. You made me realize I seem to feel like this around this time of year. I blame cabin fever. And you're right, too, that for every down there's an up and vice versa.
Walk of Shame: thank you for your encouragement, too. You made me feel better. :)
All you guys really made me feel better as well as think about where this discouragement was coming from. I thank you profusely for your kind words and for taking the time to read this blog.
Remember to consider your hobbies as passion, not a chore. This is how I look at my hobbies....the things I love to do, that give me an outlet. When I sketch (for total fun) or take photos (pure amateur) or write (mostly ramblings)....I always feel better after. It's one of my therapies. It's not something I measure my worth with. It's something I use to keep myself going. It's a passion.....and remember, without passion, you're not living :) Chin up, lady. I've never met you, but I feel like I know you. I think we have a lot of similiarites, and from the looks of it, you're feeling better, and I need to catch up with your posts. However, I couldn't resist the urge to 'fling this at ya'! Take care. God is in control. He won't give us more than we can handle. And friends along the way to keep us feeling at least somewhat normal! :)
Meet: you're awesome! Thanks for your kind words. Yep, yep, you're right, God is control and I need to take a step back and let Him have the wheel.
Thanks for helping to keep me somewhat normal. :)
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